Pitter.. Patter..

High Hopes

2011-05-06T22:13:00.002+05:30

I learnt something new about myself today. I found it easier to pray alone than in the house of God. This is a huge development for me, I feel like I'm closer to understanding if I'm a believer or not.

I decided to remove some posts because they no longer were relevant. I chose not to write about a lot of events that have occurred in the past few years. Apart from the sheer fact that I completely ignored this space, I'm sure those events are pretty much etched in my memory.

I find myself at one of life's crossroads yet again. The only hope is this ordeal will come to an end soon so that I'm all prepared when the next one comes along.

scrap the previous post..

2009-10-17T21:14:00.000+05:30

..entirely

"two-fold plan"

2009-09-27T01:24:00.005+05:30

Had some friends come over to my place-we worked on an art project. It was great fun considering I just abandoned all my interest in arts and crafts after joining work. For about 30 mins into the activity I even considered it as a future career option-maybe when I'm fed up with the corporate life (which won't be too far away).

Part 1 of the "two-fold plan" is to start getting up on time (or early..desperately trying to be ambitious) and do something (too ashamed to mention it) I keep coaxing myself to do but never get around to doing..but really need to do it now for my own good.

Part 2 of the "two-fold plan" is to get focussed about something (sorry, too ashamed to mention this as well)..it's nearly late to do it now but I'm just hoping will be able to achieve something in a few months - either the relief of having done it or the guilt that I was chasing after the wrong thing and that I should move on.

Need to get cracking on the two-fold plan IMMEDIATELY!

I gotta job!

2008-02-04T23:53:00.000+05:30

Finally..on an auspicious day of Sep 11 07, I Megha Subodh started going to work. Something I honestly thought I was not capable of merely because I am the laziest bum of the highest order.

I also realized that this job has prevented me from doing a lot of things I thought were fun.
For instance I stopped expressing my state of mind on my blog, I mean it took me almost 5 months to just mention that I got a job on this blog.

This leaves me to wonder if this job is honestly taking me away from the reality I want to live or I've just let the job's reality decide how I should live..

For now it clearly is the latter.. someone save me!!

A serial that's close to my heart??

2007-05-25T01:23:00.001+05:30

Ya I never thought that couldbe possible, but I've recently come to admit to myself that I really, really like Grey's Anatomy. Now one might think so what?? I mean who doesn't like tv shows, there's the evergreen FRIENDS and Ally McBeal, or any of those comedy shows really..but for me Grey's Anatomy is more than just another serial.

Admitted that I am addicted to television, I obviously had to then fall in love with a serial, a character more importantly. Grey's Anatomy's Meredith Grey played by Ellen Pompeo is mainly the one who gets me through Wednesday nights, who makes me download and watch re-runs of episodes sometimes(shamelessly admitting), who makes me wonder sometimes how incredibly simmilar her character is to mine. What I also love about the show is the script, most of the lines are portrayed as Meredith's thoughts..which leaves me wondering how I've thought about the exact same things at some point or the other. Next the soundtracks that have been so aptly placed in each episode are simply brilliant.

Anyway just putting down this entry to remind me that I don't always necessarily need a person or a relationship in my life to be my pillar of strength. Life doesn't work that way always, you always have that fairy tale image of something in your life..and even though it never works out, you keep failing, and that light at the end of the tunnel just fused... you still hold on to that fairy tale, I still hold on to that fairy tale.

"You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales, that fantasy of what your life would be, white dress, prince charming who would carry you away to a castle on a hill. You would lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming, they were so close you could taste them, but eventually you grow up, one day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is its hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely cause almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true."-Meredith Grey, Grey's Anatomy

poem

2007-01-28T13:04:00.000+05:30

PERCEPTION
-Megha Subodh

In one day I walked alone
Out to venture the world alone
What I saw was mine alone
It was my perception.

The beggar that he was he sat in one corner
He begged and he pleaded
And waited for someone to fulfill what he needed
A pompous puffed up politician was he
He took bribes and corrupted minds
till the last drop of water at sea.

She stood down the road waiting to be picked
Though she knew she could be tricked
For she was a harlot and this was her curse
Also her gift her destiny and worse.

He killed for reasons only he would understand
Taking lives of the innocent and blameless
Pretending that it was his land
Secretly he knew he would meet his destiny
For he was a murderer without morality.

He hit his wife he hit his children
He was a father who was one in a million
For he was a Drunkard and will remain till his dying day
Is there anyone who can show him the right way.

She was left with a divorce and a daughter
For she was a single mother heart filled with mortar
Everyday she relived her haunted past
Wondering what the mistress looked like last.

In an instant friends they will always be
Well that is what you think you stupid girl you see
Friends with benefits that is all that anyone is
Everyone has a hidden plan that you always miss.

They used it like it were a toy
Putting guns in the hands of a little boy
When will the world actually see
War will not prevail but you and me.

I knew I could not change the fact
for all these things would remain intact
Thus I walked along alone
All I saw was mine alone.

At the end I stood alone
After I ventured the world alone
All I saw was mine alone
It will remain my perception

A mere sense of impotency falls over me
For I am incapable of changing the things I see
I hope my voice reaches some one
Is there someone something that can change my perception?

saying and annoying

2006-11-24T13:43:00.000+05:30

With a conservative granny at home i'm quite used to constantly hearing running commentary about how i'm not as good as her brother's nephew's cousin, who is currently in the U.S studying this or that, or her nephew's cousin's brother who is earning some magnanimous amount, or he/she/it is doing some fancy course, or the recently arrived guest who knows an inkling of me adviced me to study this or that or do some crap in life, all this and more is usually what my granny says to me aside the constant comparison with someone or the other, or finding flaws, like this ridiculous one i hear almost 5 times a week- "your hair is so brown, why do you colour it, beggars have this kind of hair, i can't believe you'll pay to get it done... oh everybody said they liked your hair when you were younger what is this...blah blah blah", all this and some more ridicule.

My dad constantly asks me, right from when i was three, why only eat two chapathis, or two idlis or two dosas! Go Figure!!!!!

My poor mom has given up on my studying habits, she knows the more she forces me the more laid back i'll become. so once in a while she brings up this non-sensical topic of how when i was younger i always scored well, better than my friends and now those same friends score better than me. hmmm i just end up keeping quiet.

My friends and I always like going out for chaat every second day, so my grandfather never understood this phenomenon and everytime they came home he would pass a comment. It drove me up the wall but now when i look back it seems rather funny
my boyfriend is on this unrelentless trip always promising me that he'll make it up to me for all the stupid things he does... but .... i'm still waiting.....

my friend sharanya calls me water slide nose.. i really can't blame her(ha ha)

my close friends think i'm really reserved or in their annoying way of putting it"secretive".. i''l tell them things that they need to know.. otherwise LET ME BE.

all this saying and annoying is one mind game after another but i'm slowly learning to realize that all things said are either out of insecurities or concern all things i get annoyed by are either truly annoying or truly true!

LOSER LECHERS

2006-11-02T21:22:00.000+05:30

And once again I was succumbed to the infinite wrath of a lecher.. two actually...

While I blissfully rode on my Activa on the Koramangala Inner Ring Road, unaware of absolutely everything, almost asleep on the bike with my eyes open(which is an excellent feeling btw), the signal approaches me and I'm brought out of trance like a disturbed nightmare. Now out of complete boredom for having being stuck at the signal for nearly five mins I turn to my left and see this gunk of an auto driver smirking away (as always- most auto driver/ lechers do that) to God knows what. On closer inspection I realised that he was having a field day by just looking at the teensiest bit of skin on me ( I was wearing a salwar in my defence... for all those of you who think its always the woman's fault.. ahem!!!). Disgusted as I could be I tried to manoeuver my way and get to the other side of the road.. I dared not to look behind and see if he was still looking.

Totally disappointed by the incident I tried to take my mind of it, no sooner did I get the thought out of my head than another auto stop right next to me.. and this time it wasn't the driver I had problems with, it was the commuter siting behind!!! The most disturbing thing was him looking at certain things he shouldn't be looking at when I'm looking directly at him trying to given him the "ugly look".. when he finally raises his head and looks at me... he gives one of the most sickening smile ever ( the other sickening smiles i've experienced have also been from lechers) almost as if he had had hemlock to drink and was now calmed by it!

All I could do this time was helplessly wait for the signal to turn green, riding along I pondered if only men from lower class do this? But I can't be brutal in concluding that, I'm sre all guys do it they just have different means of doing it (means I won't even go into). I guess its best to conclude that all men act like jerks at some point or the other be it ignoring,forgetting,ditching,abusing, cursing, fighting,killing,murdering,raping,leching...anything negative!

It just goes to prove that when it comes to the rubbish they do they're only doing it because their brains are situated down south instead of their heads where it belongs otherwise!!!

granny talk

2006-10-18T16:44:00.000+05:30

few days back i heard my granny and the neighbour lady talk.. but this part of the conversation occurred after about five hours of them talking. i could sense from my granny's voice that she had had enough and desperately wanted to come back in. this was her attempt to end the conversation and the neighbour lady's not so feeble attempt to continue the conversation.

my granny: hmm nice weather
neighbour-: ya nice weather, so what plans for dinner
my granny: don't know, looks like it'll rain
neighbour: ya looks like it'll rain, so when will your daughter come?
my granny: ahh ya she'll come some time, (a speedy bike passes by) pah these boys
neighbour: pah these boys, what about your granddaughter, what plans for the future?
my granny: god only knows kids these days, oh i think shez calling ( when i haven't even opened my mouth)
neighbour: ya god only knows kids these days.. oh is she calling? i dont think so tell me what else
my granny:(blatantly) ok see you around..

and she comes in only to find me rolling all over the floor... and besides this whole conversation was in malayalam so it was doubly hilarious! :-)

for my grandpa...

2006-06-24T12:51:00.000+05:30

he passed away on the 12th of june 2006.. but he actually left us a day before when he was declared brain dead,i didn't get the time to talk to him,and he didn't get the time to listen to me. everything happened too quickly..i prevent myself from thinking about him to shut out the pain because tears never seem to stop once they start.this song i dedicate to him because he has been not only the best gandpa in the world to me but almost like a father to me, something my own father couldn't achieve..so muttacha (as i used to call him) this song is for you,thanks for everything you've done for me,and you mean a lot to me,and i'm sorry i never got a chance to tell you that..i miss you and always will....

"Where'd You Go?"

Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.

She said "Some days I feel like shit,
Some days I wanna quit, and just be normal for a bit,"
I don't understand why you have to always be gone,
I get along but the trips always feel so long,
And, I find myself trying to stay by the phone,
'Cause your voice always helps me to not feel so alone,
But I feel like an idiot, workin' my day around the call,
But when I pick up I don't have much to say,
So, I want you to know it's a little fucked up,
That I'm stuck here waitin', at times debatin',
Tellin' you that I've had it with you and your career,
Me and the rest of the family here singing "Where'd you go?"

I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.
Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone,
Please come back home...

You know the place where you used to live,
Used to barbecue up burgers and ribs,
Used to have a little party every Halloween with candy by the pile,
But now, you only stop by every once and a while,
Shit, I find myself just fillin' my time,
With anything to keep the thought of you from my mind,
I'm doin' fine, I plan to keep it that way,
You can call me if you find that you have something to say,
And I'll tell you, I want you to know it's a little fucked up,
That I'm stuck here waitin', at times debatin',
Tellin' you that I've had it with you and your career,
Me and the rest of the family here singing "Where'd you go?"

I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.
Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone,
Please come back home...

I want you to know it's a little fucked up,
That I'm stuck here waitin', no longer debatin',
Tired of sittin' and hatin' and makin' these excuses,
For why you're not around, and feeling so useless,
It seems one thing has been true all along,
You don't really know what you've got 'til it's gone,
I guess I've had it with you and your career,
When you come back I won't be here and you can sing it...

Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.
Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone,
Please come back home...
Please come back home...
Please come back home...
Please come back home...
Please come back home...
-fort minor

my first trip to bannerghetta

2006-06-08T12:33:00.000+05:30

i knew when the holidays started it was going to be just another boring holiday because for me a holiday or vaccation has never really (very rarely) included going out of bangalore. so any mere ray of joy thats comes from vaccationing had to be extracted from 'namaurru bengaluru' thus me and abhi decided to go to banerghetta national park since neither of us had seen it.
it took us just about an hour to get there he (abhi) would claim it was thanks to his driving skills but i think it was thanks to less traffic for a change. on arriving there i didn't really know what to expect and people who had been there before had always told me it's very rarely that you get to see animals on the safari..hence from then on until we reached the safari bus abhi had to deal with my pessimistic views on how we would never get to see lions or tigers and the like.
before we got on the bus we met another species, homo weirdo sapiens in other words, it was this middle aged bengali couple who were really thrilled to be here but their hopes of getting into the bus fast was delayed everytime some younger couple or pesky kid or some wife looking for her husband and kids cut the line and ran forward.. so after we dealt with that for a while we finally got on the safari bus.
it took us a bit to finally see some animals,meanwhile we were getting restless so myself and abhi played the game of "find the water body" (a very simple game that involves an individual to spot any form of water body first.) since there were no animals to see we started this,the game was a big success to relieve our boredom. no sooner did we give up hope of finding any creature on four legs than our attention was drawn to a bunch of wild buffaloes or some stupid animal like that which can be seen in the city as well..although it was interesting to see the others reaction-like they had seen god or something.
moving along after seeing some more mediocre animals we finally spotted a stag it looked really brilliant with its tall antlers sadly abhi didnt have the brains to take a picture. after this there was a spell of plain grasslands again.. abhi the genius pointed out to a mud pool and claimed that he beat me at the "game".
i obviously just let him bask in his glory because we were soon approaching the region that had bears. we got to see different kinds of bears- some extremely adorable some made me want to be a bear because all they did was sleep.
then came the part i was eagerly waiting for the tigers and the lions.. initially we got to see some of them in cages.. which was quite sad because they all looked malnourished and tired..and they were agitated as well as our bus moved by..after this we entered the area where we could see the tiges up close...initially we saw few tiger and lion cubs(extremely adorable its a pity one cant keep them as pets) then we saw a white tiger and some bengal tigers most of them fled when they saw the bus but we got really close to some..with abhi clicking all the way and me jabbering about how magnificient they looked all he could think of was his phone falling..anyway the trip finally came to an end and nothing happened to his phone (thank god)
we went to the zoo next, got to see a few exotic species, a sick hyena,a tormented leopard, some chained elephants, a shitting hippo, a very long scary cobra and other such depressing animals.(not too fond of zoos, caged animals are not a fun sight to see.)
so after a long day amongst animals it was time to leave..i had great fun going to banerghetta, i'm so glad i got to see some animals inspite of me cribbing and it wouldn't have been fun enough if abhi wasn't there.

p.s- abhi's comp. crashed so we lost all the pictures, there were some real good ones with the tigers..well sadly we can never get them back but i have just two pics from the trip for memory. and this trip took place in my holidays i began to write this after wecame back but due to certain events i couldn't finish it soon enough.

V3i

2006-05-31T12:24:00.001+05:30

got my dad's V3i and he took my nokia :-( he claims that its too complicated.. and yes it is .. and atleast for an ardent nokia fan its really hard to adjust to this phone not liking it very much now but kya kare have to get used to it.. was compelled to take the phone.. and dad was being unusually weird about giving it .. by that i mean he was dying to get rid of it .. and after i gained possesion of the phone i realized it hasd some problems so went and got tht fixed.. hmmm very clever dad!anyway now he is roaming around somewhere with my phone :-( tucked to his beer belly and i'm here with this piece of metal :-(

An ADDICT with a disorder.

2006-05-11T16:05:00.000+05:30

The Oxford English dictionary defines addiction as physically dependent on a substance or devoted to an interest or activity. Hence I am an addict, a TV addict. I can't get enough of the "idiot box"(my mom loves that name and has no qualms about yelling it into my ears 24 hours of the day) i could watch the tube all day and never get bored. I can shamelessly proclaim that the television has ruined most bits of my life as well and effectively continues to do so, now i wonder to myself once a person confesses he/she is an addict doesnn't that mean they are capable of some help whatsoever, whether it starts from within or with help from others. well people have definitely tried to rid me of my addiction but it hasn't gone.. i myself have tried to turn away from it but it just doesn't work.. then few hours back while i was pondering over this thought i had an "aha" moment , now i'm not sure how really important this moment is but atleast it answered my question about my tv addiction.

The Oxford English dictionary defines Bulimia as a disorder marked by bouts of overeating followed by fasting or vomiting. now people get this disorder when they are desperately trying to lose weight.. i on the other hand suffer from bulimia of a different sort. TV bulimia- and that right there was the answer to my addiction. and this is how the whole process goes-
watch tv for long hours
enjoy it every moment of it
switch it of thinking i ve seen enough for the next few hours
guilt comes over me that ive not done other useful work and that i saw so much tv
more guilt
grieving at the amount of time i ve wasted
guilt
guilt
and did i mention guilt
then the last stage go and watch some more tv and not do anything constructive-this action would symbolize throwing up in the actual bulimia

so there you have it this is exactly what my problem is..is there any cure for this or am i eternally captured by the wrath of those TV rays?

boil leaves nasty scar and remainder of the horrific incident . internship finished and got over in a flash. exam not starting and getting over in a

2006-05-03T16:22:00.000+05:30

(hmm the stupid title couldn't fit my 'miseries' in) flash... life sucks right now...(flashes everywhere)...
well that was a self explanatory title..but please let me crib about my life some more..
1) as previously stated my boil- since it was the size of the globe has left a scar the size of jupiter, in addition to which a small bump.. which i feel will erupt into the boil's nemesis after few days, months, years,decades,scores,centuries,milleniums... god knows..

2) i started my supposed "fruitful" internship at Ogilvy& Mather (O & M) advertising, on the third of april.. i went i saw i got bored. between all that managed to do some work for the company ... but realized it's not what i wanted to do in life or maybe i'm just making another hasty decision.

3)exams are starting on the 15th of may... deeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaatttttttttttttthhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
today was an interesting day, i had my practical exam, couldn't finish the paper, my radio piece for friday's practical exam sounds pathetic, an auto guy whispered dirty somethings in my ear at the signal, then nearly got killed by his evil twin...hmmm sulked about life not being fair (still am) thus i had and am having an "interesting" day.

the pain's killing me

2006-03-22T13:16:00.000+05:30

Boil Oh Boil!

It' was the 12th of March
And I felt like startch
That was just me desperately trying to rhyme
Since then to survive i've had to mime

You ask why?
Well then with a sigh..
I have this boil
It's more intricate than a coil

It all started when I discovered a pimple
And drowned it in acne cream thinking it was simple
Alas it was more stubborn than I thought
I knew now I had to bare the consequence no matter what!

It cleverly remained small in size to the beholder
But the pain penetrated deep inside almost till my shoulder
The left side of my face is swollen thanks to it
Sometimes it's hard to even swallow spit

I've been sitting at home for 5 days now
I'm beggining to miss college and feeling a bit of a cow
The doctor prescribed some pills for this s**t
Argggghhhh this boil has put me in such a fit

I have no clue when this will go
until then will you let me know?
Why this happened to me?
Oh god please have some pity!

Ever since it has emerged i've been meek
It's so bad that I haven't been able to speak
I've had to mime and master the art of hand signals
And everytime I think of the boil my face tingles

It's the 22nd of March
And I feel like startch
This is still me desperately trying to rhyme
For how long will I have to mime?

-dedicated to my most painful boil ever!!!!!!!!

stupid day

2006-03-13T15:06:00.000+05:30

its's a little after 3 in the afternoon, just came back from college... by the way COLLEGE SUCKS!!!!! not doing anything productive in college,flunked my comp internals- WHO DOES THAT!!! fell sick 7th month in a row- WHY GOD WHY!!! felt like blogging in college..when i saw my ugly computer the most remote feeling for blogging also vanished! ahhh my life... just staring blankly at the comp now...gosh i actually spent 15 mins staring!!!! STUPID DAY!!!!

going to wake up from my slumber

2006-02-25T15:52:00.000+05:30

MOOD: feeling 1 ft 'short'

alas! i've done it again..after the inumerable promises to myself to blog regularly i've gone and fallen prey to the perils of procastination AGAIN!!!! will i ever change.. (i'd like to say no,being the pessimist i am)

over the past few days i "WAS" supposed to blog about my class picnic to MEKEDATTU, which rocked! a visit to the old age home,which was an enlightening experience, the beginning of my CAT classes..the death of my french class, random happenings in college, how miserable my internals were, the ever-present disaster in my life: my computer and more....

but instead of blogging about it all i've done is contemplated about blogging!!!!!
well instead of hating myself and feeling really low right now i'm just going to make a better effort next time and WAKE UP from my deep slumber of laziness(WAKE UP MEGHA ,WAKE UP-ignore that, it was me profusely shaking myself to awaken to reality). on a positive note i did read 'the alchemist' (FINALLY) loved it!!!!

P.S: i'm so brialliant i even forgot my password to the blog! *sigh* my brain and its limited capacity!!!!!!!

housewives prove to be a "snag" in my comprehension of french

2005-12-21T14:07:00.000+05:30

I would definetly agree with oprah winfrey(that american woman with her talk show whom i believe can become the President whenever she wants,whom the women of America, and some men worship) when she says tht being a housewife is the hardest job on the planet...but these two housewives i know, in my french class are driving me mad!! simply beacuse right when i thought i was queen of my class these two butt in and seem like they've been talking french for years together..i know i'm acting like a 10 year old with this issue but believe me it's really frustrating..i remember the good old days when i used to be them .. ahhhh when i finally understood what "voulez vous couchez avec moi ce soir" meant (from the song moulin rouge) without having to refer to the lexicon some immense sense of pride rushed through me(even though it meant-will you go to bed with me..but watever), and i've also come to realize that when it comes to a language i'm good at the written bit of it and reading but somehow for the oral and comprehension i'm slow(i think that's normal... atleast i hope).. so as of now i get up like some sullen ape at 6 in the morning for class (actually 6.45 he he ) go to class at 7 think i'm going to do well..then come along the "ladies" and throw some tar all over my hopes. so as of now french just sucks (sorry french i don't mean to be rude) jus been demotivated in class lately...:-( :-( :-(

So i finally blogged !!!

2005-12-19T16:10:00.000+05:30

yes, me, moi, i fially decided to blog..will try ad make this a regular habit...(he he ya rite).. see the thing is i have two major problems in life...lack of perseverance and a f**king comp that is slower than a snail and believe u me...IT'S SLOW!!!!!! so i will definetly try and blog as much as i can about whatever i can...which actually got me wondering as to why i, me- megha subodh should really blog.. i mean, am i doing it for myself, just to put down all my thoughts in this portal of other anonymous blogs which the world may or may not read ...or am i doing it for myself..well i did some serious thinking about it and i'm not really sure.. i guess this question is like one of those questions whose reply is better left unanswered..maybe somewhere down the line of my blogging spree i may realise,what me blogging really means, maybe i wont..but for me the thrill lies exactly in that.. i may get really bored wid typing out my thoughts just after i've actually thought of it(after a while obviously) or i may get hooked on to this blogging thing like crazy but that's the beauty of this situation... i guess for now i'll jus leave it to the clutches of time and see where this goes....