High Hopes

I learnt something new about myself today. I found it easier to pray alone than in the house of God. This is a huge development for me, I feel like I'm closer to understanding if I'm a believer or not.

I decided to remove some posts because they no longer were relevant. I chose not to write about a lot of events that have occurred in the past few years. Apart from the sheer fact that I completely ignored this space, I'm sure those events are pretty much etched in my memory.

I find myself at one of life's crossroads yet again. The only hope is this ordeal will come to an end soon so that I'm all prepared when the next one comes along.

scrap the previous post..

..entirely

"two-fold plan"

Had some friends come over to my place-we worked on an art project. It was great fun considering I just abandoned all my interest in arts and crafts after joining work. For about 30 mins into the activity I even considered it as a future career option-maybe when I'm fed up with the corporate life (which won't be too far away).

Part 1 of the "two-fold plan" is to start getting up on time (or early..desperately trying to be ambitious) and do something (too ashamed to mention it) I keep coaxing myself to do but never get around to doing..but really need to do it now for my own good.

Part 2 of the "two-fold plan" is to get focussed about something (sorry, too ashamed to mention this as well)..it's nearly late to do it now but I'm just hoping will be able to achieve something in a few months - either the relief of having done it or the guilt that I was chasing after the wrong thing and that I should move on.

Need to get cracking on the two-fold plan IMMEDIATELY!

I gotta job!

Finally..on an auspicious day of Sep 11 07, I Megha Subodh started going to work. Something I honestly thought I was not capable of merely because I am the laziest bum of the highest order.

I also realized that this job has prevented me from doing a lot of things I thought were fun.
For instance I stopped expressing my state of mind on my blog, I mean it took me almost 5 months to just mention that I got a job on this blog.

This leaves me to wonder if this job is honestly taking me away from the reality I want to live or I've just let the job's reality decide how I should live..

For now it clearly is the latter.. someone save me!!

A serial that's close to my heart??

Ya I never thought that couldbe possible, but I've recently come to admit to myself that I really, really like Grey's Anatomy. Now one might think so what?? I mean who doesn't like tv shows, there's the evergreen FRIENDS and Ally McBeal, or any of those comedy shows really..but for me Grey's Anatomy is more than just another serial.

Admitted that I am addicted to television, I obviously had to then fall in love with a serial, a character more importantly. Grey's Anatomy's Meredith Grey played by Ellen Pompeo is mainly the one who gets me through Wednesday nights, who makes me download and watch re-runs of episodes sometimes(shamelessly admitting), who makes me wonder sometimes how incredibly simmilar her character is to mine. What I also love about the show is the script, most of the lines are portrayed as Meredith's thoughts..which leaves me wondering how I've thought about the exact same things at some point or the other. Next the soundtracks that have been so aptly placed in each episode are simply brilliant.

Anyway just putting down this entry to remind me that I don't always necessarily need a person or a relationship in my life to be my pillar of strength. Life doesn't work that way always, you always have that fairy tale image of something in your life..and even though it never works out, you keep failing, and that light at the end of the tunnel just fused... you still hold on to that fairy tale, I still hold on to that fairy tale.

"You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales, that fantasy of what your life would be, white dress, prince charming who would carry you away to a castle on a hill. You would lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming, they were so close you could taste them, but eventually you grow up, one day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is its hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely cause almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true."-Meredith Grey, Grey's Anatomy

poem

PERCEPTION
-Megha Subodh

In one day I walked alone
Out to venture the world alone
What I saw was mine alone
It was my perception.

The beggar that he was he sat in one corner
He begged and he pleaded
And waited for someone to fulfill what he needed
A pompous puffed up politician was he
He took bribes and corrupted minds
till the last drop of water at sea.

She stood down the road waiting to be picked
Though she knew she could be tricked
For she was a harlot and this was her curse
Also her gift her destiny and worse.

He killed for reasons only he would understand
Taking lives of the innocent and blameless
Pretending that it was his land
Secretly he knew he would meet his destiny
For he was a murderer without morality.

He hit his wife he hit his children
He was a father who was one in a million
For he was a Drunkard and will remain till his dying day
Is there anyone who can show him the right way.

She was left with a divorce and a daughter
For she was a single mother heart filled with mortar
Everyday she relived her haunted past
Wondering what the mistress looked like last.

In an instant friends they will always be
Well that is what you think you stupid girl you see
Friends with benefits that is all that anyone is
Everyone has a hidden plan that you always miss.

They used it like it were a toy
Putting guns in the hands of a little boy
When will the world actually see
War will not prevail but you and me.

I knew I could not change the fact
for all these things would remain intact
Thus I walked along alone
All I saw was mine alone.

At the end I stood alone
After I ventured the world alone
All I saw was mine alone
It will remain my perception

A mere sense of impotency falls over me
For I am incapable of changing the things I see
I hope my voice reaches some one
Is there someone something that can change my perception?

saying and annoying

With a conservative granny at home i'm quite used to constantly hearing running commentary about how i'm not as good as her brother's nephew's cousin, who is currently in the U.S studying this or that, or her nephew's cousin's brother who is earning some magnanimous amount, or he/she/it is doing some fancy course, or the recently arrived guest who knows an inkling of me adviced me to study this or that or do some crap in life, all this and more is usually what my granny says to me aside the constant comparison with someone or the other, or finding flaws, like this ridiculous one i hear almost 5 times a week- "your hair is so brown, why do you colour it, beggars have this kind of hair, i can't believe you'll pay to get it done... oh everybody said they liked your hair when you were younger what is this...blah blah blah", all this and some more ridicule.

My dad constantly asks me, right from when i was three, why only eat two chapathis, or two idlis or two dosas! Go Figure!!!!!

My poor mom has given up on my studying habits, she knows the more she forces me the more laid back i'll become. so once in a while she brings up this non-sensical topic of how when i was younger i always scored well, better than my friends and now those same friends score better than me. hmmm i just end up keeping quiet.

My friends and I always like going out for chaat every second day, so my grandfather never understood this phenomenon and everytime they came home he would pass a comment. It drove me up the wall but now when i look back it seems rather funny
my boyfriend is on this unrelentless trip always promising me that he'll make it up to me for all the stupid things he does... but .... i'm still waiting.....

my friend sharanya calls me water slide nose.. i really can't blame her(ha ha)

my close friends think i'm really reserved or in their annoying way of putting it"secretive".. i''l tell them things that they need to know.. otherwise LET ME BE.

all this saying and annoying is one mind game after another but i'm slowly learning to realize that all things said are either out of insecurities or concern all things i get annoyed by are either truly annoying or truly true!